oh, if this is rock bottom... Then I say, "God damn! The view from here is breath taking..."

Jult, August, September and October. Four months from my last post, which couldnt really be considered apost at all, because Its not realy finsihed, and its only a list. I'm very proud to say I met this guy, in early July. At first I just felt like he talked to me because I was the only one who actualy listeneed to the words he spoke, instead of pretending to be interested. He broke up with his girlfriend of three years, and was completley devestated. This fractured him so much, that later on in the month of August, when we dated, he could not go through with it. He couldn't dedicate himself to another. But Im not one for blaming him, especially when feelings are as strong as his is. Anyways, After going out a few times, i warmed up to him, and really started wanting to get to know him, and not just about his ex. I saw how delicate, and caring he was; but I also knew of the recent tragedy that put his entire life and view on relationships into a new perspective. Ever since our first word, we've pretty much been inseperatable, which is completley otolerable in my book, in fact its a preference of mine I have yet to share to anyone. Kirsten did'nt really feel too keen on the idea of me having a boyfriend. She told him I couldnt handle a relationship, and that I was going to leap out of it as soon as I possibly could. These words stung because I'm not one to play a game and not finish. Not that this is a game, this was real. You get my point. Anyways, everytime I'd text someone, she'd be asking me if it was Joe. I tried calling him when I spent the night, she'd get aggitated. i didn't really care though. I learnt fairly quickly to block out her negativness. I was happy, and thats all I cared about at the moment. Amanda, Joes old ex, kept trying to pry herself back into a relationship with Joe, but he refused. I'm still not all too sure why. He still talks about her constantly, and feel like the only reason he hasnt gone back to her yet is because he slept with another guy, and that jealousy could never dissipate. This guy MAanda slept with used to be Joes friend, until Amandas best friend broke up with John, who is now the guy that Amanda slept with, and is still currently dating. So anyways, Joe broke up with me, a week shy of our two month. Our relationship caused too much drama for his body to handle. With Kirsten manipulating words, and changing stories, to work finding out about us, to Joe not getting a premotion, his grandmother on his back twenty-four seven, my father banishing him from my house, me getting caught sneaking out. Nothing ever seemed to be going right around us, even though together, we felt right. So thats the end of that. We're still together everyday in one form or another, and when we see each other we still act as if we are together. Which has been hurting me, I must admit because I am not one to fool around, and not have some sort of commitment built inbetween each action... but as of now I'm taking what I can get, and going with whatever flow he puts me on. It just never seems enough, which is why I've been frowning latley. Last week, Kirsten and i ended our friendship. I cannot say how relieved I am, honestly. I loved her to death, but every once of drama that has ever occured outside of my family life, I always seemed to find her at the core of it all. And it was just so over-bearing for so long, and I finally got the courage to talk to her about it. But more drama swooped in. I just had to. I'm trying to better myself, and I can't live with lies in my chest anymore. The forst day we got into our argument I found out she hung out with Leyna the next day. Or the same day, tomatoe, tomata. Shes so desperate... the both of them. It kills me to think I befriended eitheir of them with them both acting so... i cant even describe it. But whats done is done, and I'm willing to live with it. She was just so emotionaly attached. Too much. Everyone can see it. Everyone voulentarily has come up to me and pointed it ut, so I know I'm not by myself on this one. it was just time. Over-due. Kilogre and I are as strong as ever. Getting closer everyday, and I'm glad about that kone. Shes so much more understanding than Kirsten. i could talk to Kirsten, ut she never really understood where I was comming from. And thats what I need. And besides, Leynas been waiting for something to go wrong with Kirsten and I, just so she could rub it in my face about how sucky I treat my friends, how much better off she could do with her. How much I was holding her back. And I find it so funny. A sad funny though. Not a humorous one. Brandee the other day was all like "yeah, this stuff is for my sister, shes going to see her ex best friend ex best friend." It as hilaious. You wont understand what Im saying, just know that they are amazing.=)

100 things to do before I die.

001. Fall in Love.
002. Stay in Love.
003. Write a book.
004. Take a hot air balloon ride.
005. Have a picnic in the park.
006. Open a homeless shelter.
007. Open a Teen recration center.
008. Open an animal shelter.
009. Open a Movie Theater.
010. Learn how to dance.
011. Live in Ireland for a year.
012. Travel Europe for three months.
013. Donate 10 Gallons of blood.
014. Donate 50 Gallons of blood.
015. Donate 100 Gallons of blood.
016. Break into the Record Label scene.
017. Loose my virginity to someone I Love.
018. Get married.
019. Birth a child.
020. Adopt a child.
021. Visit all 52 states.
022. Continue schooling after High School.
023. Kiss in the rain.
024. Stay in a friendship for thirty years.
025. Skydive.
026. Buy a farm.
027. Visit Japan.
028. Find a tattoo I truly want.
029. Get the tattoo I really want.
030. Pierce my lip. Twice.
031. Sucessfully use a ouija board.
032. Choose a religion.
033. Learn to skii.
034. Create something brilliant that will move people.
035. Discover how many of my lick it takes...
036. Own a White Tiger.
037. Adopt a child.
038. See a death.
039. Go to a strip club.
040. Get som form of plastic surgery.
041. Buy a cat.
042.
043.
044.
045.
046.
047.
048.
049.
050.
051.
052.
053.
054.
055.
056.
057.
058.
059.
060.
061.
062.
063.
064.
065.
066.
067.
068.
069.
070.
071.
072.
073.
074.
075.
076.
078.
079.
080.
081.
082.
083.
084.
085.
086.
087.
088.
089.
090.
091.
092.
093.
094.
095.
096.
097.
098.
099.
100. Die a breathtakingly beautful death.

Is anybody out there?

When I was five, I wanted this Barbie Book set. After much debate, and a few weeks, my mother caved in. She made me promise to read every single one, because they were expensive. She said there would be tests on each book, so I had to read them. I read most. but never all. My mother told me that she "knew I could never finish something I started."
When I was six, I wanted to play the piano. I'd go over to my friends house, just to look at it. I was never allowed to touch it. My mother told me that I couldn't get one. It would be pointless to buy one because she "knew" it was just a phase.
When I was seven, I wanted a four wheeler. We had the backyard for them, and my cousin had one. I wanted one more than anything. My mother told me they would tear apart the yellow and brown grass. My intrests meant nothing when it came down to the grasses best intrest.
Over the next few years, I wanted to join the baseball team, get guitar lessons, I even wanted to perfect the act of archery. I was never allowed to do any of this. They were all phases.

My aunt and uncle never belittled thier kids. If they were serious about something, nothing stood int hier way. My unlce worked his ass off to make sure his kids could become something. He worked with them to make sure they made it. It didn't matter if they were intrested in a month. He allowed them to male the descion on if they liked it or not. He allowed them to make the decsion of it being just a phase, or a dream. Ive always looked up to him for that. And sometimes I sit and I wish he could have been my father. I wondr what it would be like to not have limits in what I learned, or loved.

I'm cynical because I was made to be cynical. To always judge myself, and others around me. I never felt good enough growing up. This translates into not believeing in myself today. I can't include myself into anything ecause I was taught not to. I don't believe in myself because Ive never been allowed to believe in myself. When I was ten or so... the father and I were home alone. I dont remember what was said. I remeber the storyline though. I did something wrong, and he got angry. As I was taking a shower, he busted down the door, tore open the curtain, and attacked me. I was ashamed, and horrified. The anger in his eyes. In his hand. He made me believe that when someone gets angry, its ohkay to physicaly attack the person that angered you. Fear was always in my mind. It was basically my life. On countless occasions, I remember hiding from him. Id hide between my bed and the wall, with the pillows and comforter over my body. Countless nights I spent sleeping in my closet, listening for footsteps.


Ive always been into art. So much so, that I was badgered constantly for trying to create it. Drawing on my desk, painting on my walls. Staying up night after night trying to conceal my creativity, so I couldn't be blamed. I was made to hide what I did, everywere I went. I was indeed a happy child. I had so much potential to be something, and I knew it. But I also knew the world didn't. I started reclusing myself. why? because there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't escape the confines of unhappiness.

I've always tried to be kind. Somewhere along every line of me trying to do this, I was cut short. Broken down. Made to be a horrible person. Especially an indecent daughter.
When I was younger, my mother went out constantly. One time I remember vaccuming. A simple task I thought I could handle. My mother shot me down. I dind't do it right. I never could. I'd try to do the dishes. Unsucessful. I left water spots, or some food residue. When we had our pool, it was my duty to clean it. I as short, so skimming the pool was hard for me. She'll forever tell me I'm wrong about this, but once I didnt do it right, we had afight outside, and she told me she hated me. Dissapointment surrounded me. I tried to make my entire family breakfast once. I woke up early, an hour earlier than anyone on a sunday would wake. I had eggs set out, toast, sausage... I couldn't even get the eggs cracked before my mother came storming into the room, demanding me to tell her what was occuring. "Im making everyone break." clean this shit up and go back to bed, you woke me up." Id try to do things with her. "Lets go shopping", "lets go out to eat"... "I don't feel like going anywhere.", "I just went grocery shopping. Eat here." It was a lost cause.

I'm not too sure why Im doing this. I can pick apart my past as much as I want, but nothings going to change. I can try to make as much sense as to why I am who I am as much as I'd like, ut it's not going to change me. Pointing fingers only increases the pain I feel when I think about them. Exhistence is a bitch. Case closed. End of stroy. Fin.

Commonplace occurences

My week was pretty rad.
Tones of beach time.

Tones of reflexion time.
Caught an octopus. Let it free.

Lala. the end.

Today was the last day my cousins were down in Florida, and I missed them. i had to work, and was unaware that I wouldn't be able to attend afterwards. I'm oretty upset about it too, because I didnt even say goodbye, and I hate not saying goodbye. I hate goodbyes altogether. If you tell someone goodbye, your stating that your leaving. Of thier leaving. Whoever, and that your beoing seperated for an extended amount of time. If you dont say goodbye, and you just leave, or they just leave, theres no closure. What if something happens, and you can never see them again, say a death. Then where are you? Exactly. Your stuck with loose ends, regrets, and sadness. I know everyone leaves in the end. I know that too well. So well, that the thought of loosing everyone is pulling me back. Restraining me from saying hello to people, to expand, to socialize. Not that I have a problem with talking. I csan talk for hours on any given topic, hands down. But the fatc of the matter is... the more people you know, the more people that leave. The more heartbreak you'll get, and the more vulnerable you'll become. How can anyone possible want to set themselves u for something like that? Seriously. Hellos are no better than goodbyes however. For one simple fact. When saying hello, your garnteeing yourself there will be a goodbye. And if there isnt a goodbye, your left with untied strings of gulit. Once again, this cyle never runs dry in my mind. The human race is deadly. Everyone lies to get ahead, to gain trust, to make you believe the things you only want to hear. Once they've got you hooked, they squeeze as much juice as they can out of you. they love watching the pain they inflict. They marvel at the power they have, the things of you they can control. And once your left with nothing. No feelings, no strength, no pulse... well, it on to the next soul. I'm probably just biased, due to my past experiences... or maybe lack thereof as well. I just know how this world works. How the poeple here work. The shame I feel for every indivisual who does a wrong. I don't understand how we can live among people who rape, murder, slander, hurt, prostitute, pimp, lie, steal, distruct, leave, consume, etc.etc. Yes, by consume I'm talking about Jeffrey Dahlmer style. Or however his name is spelt. I mean, can you believe people do that? Kill other humans for food. I will admit, I eat white meat, and thats no better. But aren't we suppose to be a civil society? The government and History books tell us that we are the people who control this land. We are on the top of the food chain. We have the domnant power over everything else that lies beneath us. People are suppose to love people. Were not suppose to be the type of population that dumps the most vulnerable people on the street because they cant afford to pay thier medical bills. we're not suppose to be the type of population who bombs thier own land. Different countries fighting for land, for oil, for power. My teacher last semester tought his class class that Hitler was once here, to teach future humans the horrors of hate. And he's seaking of all of this while our troops. Our killing machines are over in other countries, bombing the innocent. Destorying lives of people who have dine nothing but feel, and breathe, and try to make a living. The same way we're doing. While were over there, gang bangers, and hate crimes are happening right in front of our own eyes. We have the largest military force on earth, and yet we cant eve maintain and control our own. My father currently owns three riffles, and a hand gun. He carries that hand gun around with him everywhere for "protection". Then, the other night, I heard him talking about going out and uying a few more handguns and whatnots from this lady. Why would one person need so many guns for his "protection"? Is he planning on hooking them all up an ramps on our roof, aiming specifiaclly at certain spots, hoping there will one day be a crazed person out there, inching towards our house? Most likely not. It's all about power. The more guns, the more control you have over everyone else. He keeps them hidden in a gigantic lock fire safe box. My mother dosent even know the combination. This way, if hes not home, which he is never home, mind you. This way, if we are home alone without him, what "protectiuon" are we going to use? Our "protetion" is "safeely" hidden away in a fire safe box. Well, at our family will have the comfort of knowing that if there was a fire, our lovely guns are safe. So im pretty sleep deprived right now, I havent slept, and schools in an hour and a half. Iv'e never really had anyone close to me die. I dont care how monsterous this sounds eithier, but I want someone to die. I want to know my reaction to someones death. I think about it all the time. I constantly think about other reactions to my death. I could make a movie on my death. Everyones reactions scaped out oin mymind. How they found out, who they heard it from, the look on thier face, who would come to my funeral, the songs they would play. What Id be buried in. Everything. So. Yeah. Well, by the sound of my alarm screaming "yeah bitch yeah" to me. so, till next time?

Don't break down, my concrete girl.

My Spring Break is going by wonderfully. At first, I believed I was going to sit around all day, watching youtubes, and reading AP magazines.

However, this Spring Break has been inceasingly delightful.

Monday, I went to the Birthday Bash. Most of the time we sat out of the crowd because Maria was coughing from all the smoke around us.
It as pretty amusing however because all the people who were intoxicating her lungs worked at the cancer voulenteer booth.=)

Watching her expression hen she found out was purley priceless.

The Matces put on such a great preformance, and all I could see on stage the entire set from Blue October was the the violin guy.

Rude Squad is pretty ddecent, although thier more ska with thier trumpets than anything else. Suburban Tragedy was there as well, which is always amazinggg.
The beach on Wednesday left me looking like a Mexican.

It was so much fun though, and Kilgore and her mom actually got along, which as a true miracle in itself. Brianna is so cute and full of energy.

And shes as smart as a whistle.

She didnt really need me to direct her on how to use the camera, or my cell phone at all.

And I know for a fact she not too familiar with eithier.

She even TXTed. Shes FIVE!

I later found out that Maria was on the boadwalk right by us, all alone. She was pretty upset.

The concert at Bigshots Friday left me filled with happiness, regaurdless if ST made it seem like minors were all satonic spawn.

I know I'll never stay as happy as I've been the past few days.

Soon this will all desinergrate, and I'll become surrounded by fake people, with thier fake lives, draging me down thier same miserable paths, into an ocean filled with lost hopes, and burning desires to be anywhere else in the world of despair, and empty-heartedness than where I will be.

I talked to Justin two nights ago. I couldn't stand being so distant, without any closure.

I love him to death, but I just don't know if I have the strength to go through everything all over again without breaking someones neck, including my own.

I think I just need to bury the hatchet, remember our friendship, and carry on in my life. And if that path takes me away from him, I know in the long run, I'll be better off. I hope.

I can't get hurt again. I won't be able to take it.

Actually, I'm sure I can handle it. Iv'e lways been able to, I just don't want to feel what I've been feeling anymore.

I find it amusing how I hang out with Maria once she leaves the county. I guess it's true, you truly don't know what your missing until it's gone.

I was suppose to hang out with Dylan today, but I was calle din for work, and even if MAria and I did follow through with our plans, we both had an undieing feeling he'd bail, or make some sort of excuse on how he couldn't get to point a and b...blahblahblahh.

So I guess I'll leave off with, Spring break has been wonderful, and hopefully Sunday I can find a way to leave my wnoderful week behind with something great.big.spectacular.ANYTHING.

I tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mineee.

I just made a two hour entry, and by the time I finished, a simple press of the back button depleted the last two hours of my life. Haha.So here I sit once again, in this dark, lavender scented room, with the fan blowing beside me at like a hundred miles an hour.I'm drenched in a deep sea of Angel and Airwave lyrics, and I'm feeling overwhelmingly emotional.The last few months have been no less than hectic for myself. But I can finally say that after months of being burdened with the weight of fakeness, stress, and hidden pain I've burried deep inside me, I'm finaly free, and this newly found fresh air, this fresh life, is oh so brilliantly marvelous. I'm thankful for everyday I wake up, knowing theres these two people in my life who care about me. Who love me. And i'm truly thankful that I can love them back with all my heart. Sure differences weigh in at a substancial amount, as well as our likes. Destiny is on my side.=).Burger King has found a new employee, Kirsten Clark. Which is the greatest thing everr. More for me than for her I bet. Haha. Were going to get in so much trouble, it's not even funny. Actully, it IS=D.I lost the March 4th concert tickets in my room somewhere, so a massive search is in order for my room.It's humorous though, I'm hundreds of dollars in debt, and I haven't truly talked to so many people I deeply Love in forever, and I'm still holding a positive outlook on my life at the moment. Does this mean it's time to do some more shedding, or am I just waiting to get my life back in order before I try to let more poeple into my life, that way they don't see me in the current state I'm in. I'm not saying my current state is horrid. Far from it. I just think I want to grow into I better person before I make an effort too reconcile with people. I don't know. Maybe I'm affraid. I'm affraid of alot more than I let on. Alot more than i care to admit to myself. I want as few people as possible to see through me. I want to be this gigantic brick, impossible to currupt. To break into. But I guess thats whats making me who I am. This timid, afraid, lonley girl. I think thats why I fight with Kirsten alot. She can see thorugh me like a freaking glass, and I don't like that. I don't want people knowing me. I don't care for people to know about who I am, or what I want. Hell, I don't know what I want, I don't know anything about myself. Maybe thats it. I'm insecure about not having all he facts about myself, which shows the weak side of me, and I don't ever want to think of myself as weak. Or at least, I don't want anyone else to think I'm weak. I'm not sure. See, and just admitting I'm not sure is sending you the message that I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, I don't know anything. I that frieghtens me to some degree so far off this earth, Satellites aren't even advanced enough to detect it. Mhm, now I'm just not making any sense, because clearly, thats impossible, I just like creating my own fucked up metaphors.=). And once again I'm rambbling, and creating a web so tangled, your confussion is overpoweing your mind. Muahah.
And this concludes the deep, emotionally fucked up Brittney-Session.
Have A Nice Life,


"If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing This made me all on who I am inside And if I could thank god That I am here, and that I am alive And everyday I wake I tell myself a little harmless lie The whole wide world is mine"

"The friendship we made, is a waste of our time.There's no one left here, to show a future that's kind.It's a world of hate, gone incredibly wrong.We cared too late; we just followed along."

"When the storm brings rain, snow, fate of all kinds,You can feel almost anything.When the day seems to melt, fall flat in the night,You can feel almost anything.When you can't go on, you gotta get up and try.This is it, can you feel me?When the bombs come down, you will make it alive.If you only, if you wanna believe."

AngelsAndAirwavesss.

Its a rich man's war, but its the poor that fight.

What I thought to be a hundred dollars, quickly plummeted to a mere 500 dollars. I'm paying alsot completley for my class ring, and I'm not even allowed to have it yet. My parents won't let me wear it until it's payed off, which is bullshit. On top of that, I now owe the bank 170 dollars in fines, and I am still in the process of paying off that fucking camera. Anyways, Kilgore, Kirsten, Justin [possibly Leyna] and I, are going to sit down tomarrow, all together, and have a serious, well mannerered, and mature talk about everything thats been going on. That ought to be fun. =///. Dylan and I are supposedly hanging out today at the library, but weall know how that works out. One minute he wants to be my friend, and the next he wants nothing to do with me... or at least that's how it feels.

Last night someone completley trashed justins house with maple syrup, flour, and toilet paper. I find this to be the funniest thing Iv'e ever heard in my entire life. You have know idea the joy inside of me. It's about time he gets what he deserves. And his mother.

A few days ago, I posted this bulletin, without names; but for effect, and so I can remember, I'm posting the names, and a bit more material.





Justin:

1. In the next year, I don't think we'll be friends. We've been drifting apart rapidly, and I've lost so much respect for you. you've changed, and I don't think I can live with the new and unimproved you. You constantly purposly stab people in the back, and worse, unintentionally stab people, PEOPLE who thought they were your Best Friends may I mind you, In the back. I don't think I can befriend another Leyna. I wish to fucking God you can just step off that petastool you put yourself on lately and realize the beauty you have. But you can't, your too busy being egotistical, and malicious towards people that care aboutyou, bcause you think they are never going to leave you know matter what you do to them, so go ahead and fuck with them. And sweetie, I am tired of your game. Tired of watching you destroy everyones feelings, shredding everyones hopes that you won't be like her, but the truth is... you are.



Kirsten:

2. In a year, I don't think we can get an closer than we are now. You know about my childhood fuck- ups and still love me regaurdless=) I know we'll stil be Best Friends, and I don't thik thats going to change much. You may think were drifting apart, but we seem to find our way back to each other. I'm not worried about us, I know we'll be fine. I just wish sometimes you can learn to balane your friends. It's always been, one person at a time with you. Everyone else your not focused on needs to wait to get any attention aout of you.





3. In a year, were going to be closer than we are now. Were alot alike, we both like to hold up alot of walls. I know you've been prone to not get close to alot of people because you move aound alot. But your not anymore, and Kirsten and I are glad your not. You just need to realize people, the people we hang out with. Especially justin, are very... I don't know. They never know what they want. they want everything. Justin feels to be superior he has to be in a relationship. He must b able to win everything. He has to feel special and get as much attentiona s possible, and kirstens the one willing to do so. And why does she you ask? I have a feeling it not only has to do with the fact hte she likes him, but the reasons that she likes him. Shes always been around guys, [and yes I know you have too, but were not talking about you, people grow up and actdifferntly] and I think she misses that. Wether its playing video games or talking about cars. It's just one of those voids nethier one of us can fill. and ustin does this alot. He likes to... alter friends. If everythings not changing, hee feels trapt. I don't know, thats my perspective.



Leyna.

4. i don't know how we got to this point, or where were going from here, but i garentee you, after High School, we won't speak a single word to ech other. You've changed, and I hate it. Rather, I don't think it's a change/ You've always been you. And I'm not saying I regret our "once upon a time's", I just wish you would of comprimised some of your ugly traits to save our friendship instead of loosing all of your friends, complaing you have no friends, dump on my friends, and sit there, wondering why everyone hates you, but not doing anyhting better to change yourself, to make you a better person. Instead you stubbornly sit there and rant on about how people should accept you for who you are. Sorry hunny, but thats not how life works. You need to wake up one day with some serious mature bones in yuor body before anyone takes your friendship seriously. Until then, welcome to Friendshiplessville. You htink I've change and that I'm the sour cunt now. But your only upset because I'm reflecting the attitude towards me right back at you, and you can't stand it. You hate not being the only bully, and frankly were all tired. You can't do this forever,and I'm tired of waiting for you to realize yur mistakes.



Sally.

5. I wish we could hang out more. I really do. It's like, your an amazing person. But every time we have our little span of not communicatiing it feels like, your so close to making it. you've got all these big goals and plans, and I'm here, stuck in Largo. Sixteen. I feel like sometimes, I'm not worth your time. Like I'm too immature. I don't know. Middle School was so much better. We were all the same age then. We were all on the same page. And it's like. We not anymore.You've always beena better person than I was. Since Seventh grade. You've tought me alot about the music scene, and i still want to learn a whole lot more from you.



Dylan.

6. I liked you. Alot actually. And even if were not talking, I still like you. And I don't think thats ever going to change. i just wish you'd open up to me. Everything is so secretive with you, and it kills me to think in the next year, were not not going to be friends, because thats how I'm picturing 2009. I'm doubting our friendship. And I don't want to, but I believe that were going to be in the same place leyna and I are now come 365 days in the futuer. Yeah... maybe not Leyna and I, but in a similar very distant place. Youused to be my confidant, but you never truly opened up to me. And I have a feeling your not. You say everyone leaves youin the end, and I've had no thoughts to ever, but yuorpushing me away andI don't know how to respond to that.



Maria.

7. Mannn, i wish we could hang out more. I hate school, and I hate the fact that I can never see anyone whos not in the same scool I'm in. We live close enough, why can't we? Blahh. in a year, I think were going to be closer than we are now. I am going to get a car come summer, and that wil chang alot of things, I'm hoping anyways. Your such a sweet person, and I hope wwe don't lose touch because your one amazing chicaaa. Your going to be an amaizing pediadtrician, and my kids are going to be your doctor.=). You have such great spirit, and I hope we become closer this yearr.




Nick.
8. I'm not to sure about you. You;ve always been a mystery to me. I still want to be friends with you in a year, and rumor is your comming back to Largo. So thats cool. Oh boy, I used to like you so fucking much, and that makes me so fucking mad. you went out with all of my friends. All of my best friends. I wanted to punch you in the ball sack like crazyy. Haha. I don't know if we'll be friends in a year, i guess we'll just have to wait and seee.




Dustin.
9. We've never met. And I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. It seems like to me that we'd be too sarcastic for our owngood if we've actually met. Haha. I dont doubt our friendship come a year from now. And apparently your comming in the summer. Even though youve been saying that for the past three summers. sometimes I just wish you'd stop talking about chickens and jokes and actually have a decent conversation.




Brandee.
10. I'm glad we've become friends this year. Well, I'm glad we've become slightly friendlier to each other than we have been i the past.2009 seems better for us.=). I'm glad were sisters, and I hope we stay that way? Idkk, haha.

Hiding with your eyes shut, tightly on the way to the hospital.

I feel the need to draw mtself farther out of this life I've been trying to make for myself.
It seems like were allgoing in different directions,and I'm not sure if I want to hold on much longer.
It's like I am constantly being let down by everyone around me. I can't trust the people I'll always trust.
Ican't love the people I'll always love.
And it's tearing me into a billion and three pieces.
I'm a hundred dollars in debt.
Thanks to Pamela.
Shes such a bitch. I'm sorry that her husband abandoned her children and herself to sleep with his co-worker, and stay at his mothers house an hour away, but that's not my fault.
It takes two people to Tango, and i stay away from dancefloors.
Your built up aggression shouldn't be taken out at me, or your little scout.
Anywho, Kirstens Birthday was Sunday, and today she got new breaks and an oil change.
Oh yeah, and she saw her childhood hero. So while I'm trying desperatle to lift a thousand pound rock off of my head before I go to work, shes posting bulletins with a billion smiley faces, stating shes so happy.
This is another problem in this group. Were all so different. Were all on different planes, all at the same time. Everyday, All day.
It's this constant balance of happiness and deprression were all facing.
I'm usually left in the depression part of it all.
Say what you will, this al makes sense to me, however you've stopped reading this by noww, thinking, this girl is fucked up. She has no idea what shes saying, and she rambles in circles.
Well my dear, I know exactly what Im saying, and my mind is just that, a cirlce.
It's actually a thousand entangled crazed circles, each keeping its own thought or question or idea, and each one desperatley trying to find its way out of the clump of other circles.
And yes, all of this is going on while I'm criss-crossed on my uncomfortable chair, leaning back, typing and wating for my vegetable soup to cool; i'm just complex. And I'm just that simple.

Fell into a Wishing Well, so thats where iv'e been drinking.

My winter break is drawing itself to a very fast end.
Theres not alot I accomplished.
The people I tried to dedicate my last two weeks too, never heard a peep from me.
I'm a horrible friend for doing so.
I'm losing everyone, I can feel it.
It's so hard to keep friendships when all you ever get is thirty minutes of IMing or commenting back and forth.
I need a second job, and I intend to find one soon.
this may become aproblem in a few areas.
While I hav'nt been able to communicate with my distant friends, I feel like getting a second job could only encourage and gaurentee the destruction of those friendships.
I never once intended to do this to my friends I never see, but it seems inevitble.
I want to go back to eight grade, where I had time for everyone, and all of my friends went to the same school.
We weren't distant, we were seperate, and everyone knew, and liked each other.
Now its so different. No one likes each other, or everyones driffted away from each other, and I'm stuck wondering how everything turned from happiness, to lonliness.
I'm not saying I don't love irsten, Kilgore, Justin, and Leyna. If you can even call Leyna ca close friend...
But I want to be able to see my friends that arent enrolled into my school.
I'm always on the computer if I'm not at school, and if I'm doing niethier, I am at work, or sleeping.
It amazies me that I devote seven and some hours a day, five days a week to something I don't even excell in.
i can't say I want to change that, but I really want to change that.
I just want to have the title of exceling in school, without putting any effort into it.
I don't know.
Maybe a second job would do me justice.
At least I'll have a better excuse to be as pathetic as I already am.
hmm. Maybeee. I don't know.
i spent the last couple of days with Kirsten.
I can't say I enjoyed it. And I can't say that I disliked it.
I just feel like shes afraid to be herself around me.
She told me a few nights ago shes worried I'll leave her.
And maybe I will someday. But for now were here, and were together.
Last night I told her nothing lasts forever, and in twenty five years we won't even remember each other.
And it's true. Thats how I truly feel. It''s so rare to keep your High School friends decades after Graduation. And I don't want to kid myself into thinking forever really means forever.
These days, forever is alot shorter than anyone could ever dream of it being, and it's only growing shorter.
i was watching the History of the Ku Kulx Klan tonihgt, and it made me so sad to think about how awful anyone could be to another person. How awful people still are to people.
I could never imagine myself being as cruel, and evil-hearted as some of those people.
Justin called me up today, and he wants me to bring him over $150.00 to compansate him for the loss of the camera I "broke" nine months ago. I was going to do the right thing and give it all to him, regaurdless if hes doing the right thing to me or not, but now I feel like it's not entirely my fault htta the cameras life ended. Nine months ago he should of though about shoving all his self-pity down my hroat. but im tired of it. He's walking around with five hundred dollars in his wallet, he can pay for it. I'm not going to pay the entire thing, even if it is "his mother" I owe it too.
He won't prevail.

=))

Liquor Is Quicker.

Happy New Years Day, to those of you who can rightfuly name this day as such.
My New Years has been unfortunatly slightly less than Happy.
Actually, disasterous strikes be best as of now.
Sunday, I slept over at Kilgores house, in hopes to go to Bush Gardens with her father, like we all originally planned to attempt.
All night we were recieving phone calls from Kirsten, she accusing me of replacing her with Kilgore. Go figure.
Her accusations are far less surprising to me than most of her others.
Everytime I start to get close with someone, Boom.
Shes done it with Leyna before. Shes so paranoid our friendship is being replaced, its pathetic.
Anyways, aroiund two int he morning, she calls and tells us her father and her went head to head, in a resulting attack where she was brought to the ground by her pouncing father.
We tell her to calm down and lay low for a few days.
Next thing we know, Kilgores drunken father starts to rant about wether Kilgore worked tonight.
Next thing you know, he slams his cell into the counter, and goes head to head with Kilgore.
He threatens Kilgore to send her back to her mother. That he dosen't care.
He slams his fist into the side of her head, and she starts to beat onher, an attempt that was less than succesful.
Her fathers a wall. A cinderblocked wall, like prision bars; unbreakable.
Her Aunt Wendy Starts to yell at him when he screams "Your just like Valerie. Valerie, Valerie... Valerie." Kilgore starts to break out in tears. And I just watch as this seemingly fictional movie plays in front of my eyes.
Next thing you know, hes in Wendys face, bad-mouthing her teeth, trying to demean her. Unsucessfully they carry their battle into the hallway, where her uncle enters the battle. "You think your the man of the house?" the father rants, half slurred with angry tone. He pushes Wendy with two open hands oto her chest, and slamming her back so hard, she looses breath.
On the ground now, Wendys body is slammed by her husbands when the father decideds to go after the uncle. He slams him into the the glass table, busting it.
The shattered glass falls to the floor, loud and slow.
The sharo shards of glass puntcure the skin of her uncle, his elbow spews out blood.
His body falls on top of his wife as her father countinuously beats him.
Right arm. Wham. Wham. Wham. Wham. Kilgore and I scatter to find the phone, hand it to her grandmother, and she desperatley calls 911. "Hes in the system", she says. With his boxer shorts, he walks out the door after confronting Kilgore once more. When the police arrive, Angela and Sabrina are told to go into Kilgores room, as well as I. I try to calm them down. "Its going to be alright, hes not comming back here tonight, I promise". Searching for the half naked man, they finaly find him, ontop of the roof. When he comes down, Hes told to walk throught the house, from the back to the front door. Looking straight ahead, he walks.
Never once looking anyone in the eyes.
Kilgore didn't come to live with her father to take the same abuse her mother put her through.
Yes he was drunk, and yes this was the first time, but he always said he'd never hit her.
That it was always her mothers thing.
I guess he was wrong.
He was just released a few months ago from a four and a half year sentence to prision.
The story goes that he was outrunning the police, and ran over a car or something like that.
He was drunk as well.
That ight, we went over to Rally's at four, and got so coffee.
She got some Subway, and I got some Pringles, and we played Sorry and Chess until we were both too tired to do anything else.
And we splet on er couch until eight when we moved over to the living rooms, and slept till noon.
Monday we find out theres a $5,000 price on each of the people he attacked.
$15,000.
Hes not allowed to visit the house anymore with any of the three people there.
Kilgore called her mother, and told her that he was in jail for domestic assault.
Her mother sent the cops out to get her and bring her to her Dunedin pig-sty to live there, with Brianna.
As I was taking a shower, I heard her voice tell me she was going down to the police station,and to just finish my shower.
She left, and her aunt took me to work.
When I got home, the first thing I did was calll Kirsten and hear if she heard anything.
her mother took her away to live there, and thats all I understood.
If she does stay there, she'll have to transfer schools.
She'll ahve to get a new job.
We'll never see her.
We can't let that happen.
Theres got to be a way.
She can use Robin, and her mothers house, and her other using her social security, and the abuse shes put her throgh, everything to get ack to her grandmothers house.
But shes one of my best friends, and I can't let her move away, just for this.
Anyhow, I fell asleep before the ball dropped, and woke up fourteen hours later.
Still down, and drawn out from the lack of sleep I recived, I'm worried about her, and what the final results are going to be.
She hasn'e called anyone, or contacted anyone, but hopefully she will soon.
Very soon.